18 December 2012


Guess it went a bit personal lately. For anyone, who feels bored or disappointed, I'm terribly sorry.
I guess this blog will change the focus a bit.
The time of bigger or smaller travels every one and the half month is over, the whirl is gone or at least slowed down a lot. And although I plan some travels in following months, either I know where I will go, or plans are too fragile to talk about them yet. I'm having a good time not moving too much and finding second, third or fourth bottoms of things I already know.

I also work more than for many months before and I find taking pictures too much of and effort. But I miss it and here it is.
I thought about and imagined these pictures before I took them. For the first time not just shooting what comes in front of me, but really wanting to do it and looking forward to how it will look like.

Let's give us a little X-mas flow. This year I spend it with all the most important people. And the two, who are important yet another way. Let's see what comes out of it. Anyway December is full of warm, cozy evenings covered with snow, making presents, making plans, working and playing snowballs with Elba.

We move on different orbits, getting closer and further, but always in sight. So many things without a name gained their description, and yet so many remain unnamed. I shake off the rests of shame from writing about themes I didn't dare to think of. Emotions, sensations and conclusions.
One of my best friends said that I've changed. That could be possible.

I still look into horizon. But the irresistible need to rush forward it is somehow gone. Even the pictures I take lately are a proof. I find it so much more fun to take them with 50mm fixed lens, where I have to include the details of the single sequence. The time of here and now.

2 December 2012


I discovered this song on the album I knew for some time.

I listened to it on one awful, dark, cold, windy, rainy and terribly sad day, one of these days when you wake up after a nightmare and still feel its mood, but then you realize it was something real, this terrible thing that happened.
One bad, shameful mistake of undermining trust. And then hastily a punishment in discovering something I didn't have to know. Painful, earned.
In the time of few hours I skipped from the depths of sorrow to the relieving point of clearness and peace.

And that's one more story.

There is another, of writing a fairytale about the sad Boy and a Swallow and giving it as a birthday present. That's how it began. While the process of writing and struggling with myself to finish it, it rinsed my mind from all the rests of dark, painful thoughts better than diving in any lake, river and sea I dived before with eyes open.
I was myself again, the way I wanted for so long, free from needing, wanting, demanding, expecting, waiting, anxiety, longing and suffering. But in exchange promising to carry on as a unconditional support, never ending and unchanged. Because my feelings couldn't change anyway, and it would be such a waste to let them go. And because I couldn't come to terms with the concept, that this is not worth it.
As calm as never before I accepted anything what's given to me, appreciated the single moments in all their beauty and accepted the challenge of common responsibility, unexpected proposal to work together and sacrifice my time and energy for next two years.
Expecting nothing I discovered how things developed unexpectedly.
That by giving freedom to both of us I received trust, respect towards my needs, openness and a will to build up something from what we had in the reach of our hands.
Our own codex.
I wouldn't believe if I wouldn't seen what came out of it. And it was worth it.

Still we learn, take small, careful steps, sometimes back and forth. We have no destination and no goal. Just to let it be.
Nothing would picture my current state of mind better than this song and these lyrics.
Maybe except yesterdays snow, the first one this year, I didn't manage to take picture of and caught the melting rests today morning. And the evening attached to the snow.
But that's again another story.

Sleight of hand,
Jump off the end.
Into a clear lake,
No one around.

Just dragonflies,
Flying to the side.
No one gets hurt,
You've done nothing wrong.

Slide your hand,
Jump off the end.
The water's clear and innocent.
The water's clear and innocent.