3 March 2013

Trigger Happy

adj. Slang
1. Having a tendency or desire to shoot a firearm before adequately identifying the target.
2. Inclined to react violently at the slightest provocation.

Not really funny how it fits me right now.*

Philip K. Dick

I'm not having the best moment in my life lately. I'm not even sure if I ever have really good moments, which lasts for longer than, literally, moments. And then, when everything seems to get better, always happens something bad, sad, stupid or even worse. I struggle constantly to convince myself, that I'm happy with my life, choices, emotions, relations, whatsoever. And every time I reach the level of defining this struggle as complete, something knocks me down to the ground so bad, that I can't even tell where the punch came from.
And then, sooner or later some warm spark lights up to bring me up again. It's fine, they say, that's normal, everyone have their ups and downs, don't they? Too bad that mine happen too frequent for me to bear, as well as these "downs" seems to be a bit deeper every time.

Today was one of my Worst Days of My Life. Not only that after one week of carrying a little spring bud of something sweet, what was supposed to maybe just begin to slowly grow, I was confronted with raw reality and punished for incurable naivety and breaking my own promise of not even trying to fall in love again. Well, "Easy come, easy go", they say. Actually about time, because I was just starting to feel too warm and soft.
That's not what's best for me.

There's also another saying. Fool me once - shame on you, fool me twice - shame on me. If it works with situations, not with particular persons I'm the Fool of the Year. I'm not even ashamed anymore.

Not only, because also today was supposed to be the 3rd anniversary of my relationship, the one that I believed in as the real and true, one I was trying to save from cold and drought. But the relationship is no more. It became clear to me as another punch.
Also today. K.O.

I found out that I have a broken heart. Nobody broke it, that was no violent act, it just broke by accident. Just like you fall from the stairs and brake your arm. No one's fault, except yours. Maybe next time you should be more careful.
The same with heart. I'm not careful and it brakes every now and then. But just like with a bone you brake time and time again, every next time hurts more and knits slower.

*The Almighty Trigger Happy is a Canadian band from my youth, I had their compilation on a tape and I truly loved the music. Never found out what the idiom actually means until now.
I was looking for a music for broken hearts today and I found them and one more band, Guns 'n' Wankers from UK. Both I was listening to, when I was a carefree teenager in the beginning of 2000s, full of dreams and hopes. Now only dreams are left. Better than nothing.

The sound quality from the video is comparable to the sound from my tape back then.
Nostalgic. Nice to know the lyrics and see how much they fit too.

(...)You don't get the picture
I have to level with you
Should have left it as it was

You thought the grass was greener
But your imagination lied
It was just a dream
And your dreams don't count
When the real world comes around(...)