21 April 2013

bonjour tristesse

So called "welcome sadness". Oh, yes, sadness is always welcome. Though I don't know who's constantly inviting her, it can't be me, right? I wouldn't make myself unhappy on demand. It must be some other wicked conspiracy, secretly plotted behind my back.

I have a feeling that I don't have dark days anymore. My life has just turned darker, as if someone would adjust the picture brightness wrong.

I spent wonderful time with my parents and my "ex-but-still-love" during Easter break. I got the job I was waiting for, I work in a real kindergarten and I managed to find it on my own despite my poor language skills.
Oh, waitaminute. I have excellent language skills, they say. I speak perfect German (as for 1,5 year of learning), they say.
It's spring, finally after months of delay, sun shines through your hair and tickles your cheeks, enjoy it, they say.
You should be proud of yourself, they even say..
And he even comes to my room in the middle of the night to wake me up and say that he loves me. And then, yes, disappear. Not that I'm surprised, our definitions of love differ a lot from one another.

I'm already expecting a confirmed visit from 3 of my best friends. And we'll go to a concert to one of the most important bands in my life. And surely have a lot of fun. I'm so much looking forward to it.

I got two more invitations for a visit from friends in Germany, two others I could use constantly, and even some more in North and South of Europe. I wish I could visit all those people, who are important to me and who so heartily invite me in every letter or email. Maybe I could think of those visits on every Saturday evening I will spend alone in my room. Or every time when I leave my empty room on sunny Sunday morning to get some coffee and hear people having sex in almost all of the rooms in the flat.

It's not that I do nothing about it.

I keep myself busy as much as I can. I try to meet my dear friend from Hamburg, I guess the only person I have here, I can call and make a date with and then have a wonderful time on talking - on more or less serious topics, laughing, cooking, sewing, going to events and whatever else we please.
I try to not to think that I have no friends at all and my personal life is a complete mess.
I try not to feel so terribly lonely.

I try to learn how to enjoy the simplest of things from my dog. And to learn to enjoy more spending time together. We both like meadows.

I just wish that the good things could erase the bad, or at least if they all could melt into one even whole. Colorful and various but whole.

I feel I'm made from pieces, which don't necessarily fit together.