25 July 2013

Dead swallows and the curse

Once upon a time, 1,5 months ago something beautiful happened to me. I took it brave, with the open heart and mind, just as joyful, as I described it the last time.
Just like I would carelessly forget, that nothing good can happen to me and stay by, just like the Summer could be just beautiful and amazing, instead of terrible and burning.

I was watching you as you walk through the parking lot thinking that it's the last time, when you come to visit me. You said, you're not sure. That you did not come with the intention to break up. And that you need to make a right decision, although both decisions are bad. But you need to make the difficult one. And that you're afraid, that you may regret it. And you don't want to get hurt. And you can't come back to that place in your heart, because it's closed now. But there's nothing I can do.

Like there would be ever anything I could do..
I quoted last time, that "maybe there will come a time, when love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears..." whatsoever. Oh, just for the record, not THIS time.

I wanted to write another post with another song and text from the album I got from you. That I leave the past behind and let it happen to me, and that it's always darkest before the dawn. It's also not valid anymore.

Just like other things we will never do. Like we'll not build the bike together for me, like we wanted to just to make a trip to the lake and take photos. Or we won't go to Warsaw and you won't meet my parents. Or we won't go skating and on the way to your place eat at the Kebab shop. And talk, joke and be closer than possible until the dawn, smoking cigarettes and drinking apple sparkling water. Or I will never watch you working on graphics on your computer. And you will never draw me one of your pictures and send me that as MMS just before I go to sleep, or leave it on my desk.
Magic carpet flew away, the gate to parallel dimension is closed. SMS and WhatsApp chat history deleted, just in case I would be tempted to read it again or listen to your voice to torment my poor heart. No hope, no chance, no doubts. That's how I'm doing now.

I'm cursed. I can never be happy again. But I guess the curse is also deadly for the other swallows. They just fall dead from the sky. I found two of them laying on the ground by our house.

I'm so sorry.

I hope you will be happy once.

9 July 2013

Die Welt ist RosaRot. The world is pink-red.

I was supposed to write this post a week ago. And then a week before that. And actually one more week before that. Since one month my world has new colors. It was so easy to admit it, I came into my pink state so easily this time, that for three weeks in a row I was hardly sleeping, eating and comprehending the real world. My world went small and cozy, consisting of magic, pictures, heartbeats, never ending rivers of words, meanings and fresh Summer smells of blooming lindens, rain, meadows.

He appeared just like that, completely out of nowhere, although he was there all the time. I just started to feel the summer wind in my wings, the soothing breeze of complacency I was missing all the long Winter and Spring. That was maybe just my time, to forget how it hurts and start again. Again.
And after one long afternoon, evening, night and noon it was all clear. After this long time of denying myself any needs I was simply overflowed with almost anything I could dream of or miss.
Not that I need so much more than attention, care, tenderness, interest, sharing and time. And then a little bit of magic and poetry. Not that I wouldn't give it back gladly when I only have an opportunity.
And the opportunity of receiving and giving was so tempting, that I would be just crazy not to take it.

It would be trivial to say that he's someone special. With the other world closed between blue eyes, left hand and a awoken heart, with genuineness so sharp, that sometimes painful, tenderness so soft as I could only imagine and all the bright and dark secrets I've just started to discover. This whole new world awaiting to be discovered. And the unspoken promise of an amazing journey.
Let's see where it will lead us.. We're both excited about it.

But as it usually happens, everything valuable has it's price.
This time I was not the one, who had to pay it. I will pay mine, but much later.
Now it cost me the pain of the one, who grew so deep in my heart. But no matter how hard I try I can't think of any other solution.
This is the end of my polyamory tale, I leave it with a burden of guilty conscience but somewhat with a relieved heart.

And maybe.."there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears."