2 August 2013

No pain, no gain. (I Will Not Be) Broken.

This video made my day. Not only from the contents, but as a music discovery. And the lyrics*

Since I remember I was always doing sports. Not a lot, but eager; except the bike, I'm riding the whole life I already was doing few different things. Ranged from ice skating, in-line skating and swimming in childhood and adolescence, through fitness until ultimate frisbee, fight sports and jogging in adult years. Somehow I liked it all, but couldn't ever stay in for longer, getting disappointed, frustrated or just bored. I'm basically not into sports I guess, I hate competition, I need to have real fun, it must be easy to learn, cheap and flexible to plan. Some voice of reason keeps me having bad conscience every time when I stay lazy for too long, the same voice that tells me that I should eat more fresh vegetables. I would keep on jogging as the way to keep fit, although I can hardly think of anything more boring (I admire those people who seem to have REAL fun out of just...running).. but another voice tells me, that there must be something, what attracts people to sports.
I had an extreme short, stormy love-affair with skateboarding 10 years ago, when I almost broke my arm and decided, that it's definitely not for me.

Then, after 8 years, one of my friends, who was around 30 at this time started to skate for the first time in his life and felt great about it. Inspiring.
Then I was in a relationship with a skater, got inspired and got a board as a present, so I can learn. I didn't learn a lot before the warm season, my zest and the relationship was over. I fell down really hard few times and got discouraged. And then, suddenly it was Winter anyway, the time of gray thoughts and jogging.

And then I found myself into a relationship with the same skater, who still wanted to teach me. With the first Spring days I prepared my board again, ready to go on, learn, sweat, bleed, break my bones and cry, but stay in it.

And then another relationship with another skater came my way.
And not only that he didn't show too much enthusiasm for my skating enthusiasm (both for mine and his skating). He said, that I'm too old to learn. Nevermind how much of a joke it was.
I made me really angry and motivated me as almost anything, to any sport before.
Almost, because it was just around the time, when I started to be able to move freely enough to try to learn something. And started to find it really exciting.
And not only the activity, which gives me the sweet feeling of reaching and breaking my limits of fear and insecurity, just to challenge to teach my body to do things, I'd love to watch myself.
Not only as a feeling of being a part of some exclusive group, where I can get into just through my passion and will and, as it is in a cruel, sexist world, a bit of help from my gender. It makes the door open a bit wider for me as a newbie, as in all of the male dominated sports, I feel a breeze of sometimes-even-friendly indulgence (oh, and it makes it all quite political btw!). A bit like some funny Secret Society of Skaters, which have their own slang, infrastructure and equipment. That thing that it's not just a hobby but part of a lifestyle. No one says "I'm a jogger", but lot of people would call themselves "skaters".
It's a bit like with activism. Or this slight, little difference between listening to punk and being one.
And it was so near all those years, so within reach and anyway present in my life through those lifestyle-parts like skate-looks, listening to special music, knowing dozens of early and late skaters, having access to lovely self-organized skateparks. It makes me feel like I found something, that I lost long time ago.

And at least but not last: it helps me not to suffer. And to become myself again.

I'm not in any defined relationship anymore. First time since long time, and I think I could really get used to it and find my fun. It still hurts, but it will pass. And I think about myself again. Not in someone else's context, I'm just learning to be happy.

It costs a lot of sweat, humility, patience and sometimes hurts. But I prefer a physical pain than a broken heart.
One of my best friends, who went through much harder and more painful break-up than my unluckily Summer-hope-you're-all-that-I-need-lovestory, told me that she feels something like a muscle fever in her chest. From the pain and stress. But she believes, that all the muscles, when trained, became only stronger. And so will we.

I know, that I will never forget, what happened to me this Summer. And I will need a lot of time to find enough courage to trust anyone deep enough, to open my heart, as I did carelessly this time. Or, maybe I will just have better things to do.

Like skating. And activism. And being a punk. And being just totally awesome.

*Ben Harper "I Will Not Be Broken"

Give and you give and you give till it's gone
Then the people you fight hardest for say you're wrong
Before me flash all of my memories and days
So don't stand insincere at the side of my grave

I will not be broken
I won't be turned away
When it's too cold to breathe
And too dark to pray
I will not be broken

I go too far then I go further still
Time starts to collapse, leaves a void none can fill
Nothing you can say to hurt me with your forked tongue
Through blood shot eyes I watch the world come undone

I will not be broken
I won't be turned away
When it's too cold to breathe
And it's too dark to pray

I've come too far to give up
Or to be turned around
I will not be broken
I will not go down