18 November 2013

the grass was greener

I love Autumn. This year it was so generous with mild weather that it was reminding me all the time about my visit in Portugal 3 years ago. When everything seemed so easy, I was freer and happier than ever in my life and I was standing at the ocean shore enjoying the moment of taking the first step into the new, fantastic and exciting life. That was so long time ago.. When the grass was greener and the light brighter and the friends were all around me.

I sometimes feel like I lost so much energy on the way to the place where I'm now, and although I still carry this beautiful world inside me, it's harder and harder to feel it, reach it see it's warm light.

Another Autumn with taking pictures, I feel though, that they get more and more sad. Just as if my dark and foggy mood would pour into camera.

I also love weird videos, like this one, which is so sad and beautiful at the same time, that gives me creeps.
Pink Floyd "High Hopes"
As I was editing the pictures I've noticed, that they remind me so much about this song and video. And once again, very special video from my early youth, one of the most inspiring I've ever seen. And I guess I don't have to mention, how the lyrics fit my actual state..

I feel like I would just came out of this video, straight out of this autumn fields, but those are those fields I saw on a bike trip and took pictures of some weeks ago in the North of Germany.
The good times are gone, friends are far away and I don't have the new ones, loves ended up in debris and disappointments, plans whether didn't work out, or brought no fulfilment. Energy, will and mad joy that filled me like this golden-pink sunlight from the video faded sometime, that I've never noticed.
Of course I still do my things, start even new ones, I read a lot, I'm active, I quit my unsatisfying job, I educate myself, I look for the new solutions,paths to follow, plans for the future. I have to be happy somehow, not needing to worry about food, house, basic freedom, chance to fulfil myself. I'm damned lucky, I must say.

I carry on. But the light is gone, I'm calm and cold, tormenting myself with memories of home, warmth, love and all the unfulfilled promises I gave to myself.
And waiting for the great loneliness, that will soon and unavoidably come.

Please enjoy the pictures. Please leave a comment if you only read that.

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun

Along the Long Road and on down the Causeway
Do they still meet there by the Cut

There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The night of wonder

Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river