8 November 2014

all my friends are dead

You know the book, maybe even better known as a meme, don't you? This one.

I feel exactly like this, seriously, with all its awkwardness, darkness and irony.

Everything started when I moved to Hamburg. Since five months my social life has been slowly, but consistently, dying.
I've been through all the stages already, got stuck on a denial a bit too long but finally successfully ended up on soothing acceptance. I'm ok. Really. But it doesn't change the fact, that my social life is at the moment.. non-existent.

Of course non of my friends is dead. They're just away, further or closer, but physically away.
Some of them are too busy with their everyday life's joys and worries to keep in touch through emails/skype/letters. Some of them never got close enough to build something solid, some bonds got very loose and now are impossible to tie again.

Even with the best friends I've ever had I'm able to meet 2-3 times a year, but even for a busy person it's way too little.
And I'm trying not to be so busy, right?

And how about here, in Hamburg? Here I have technically nobody. At least not a single person, who I would consider as someone taking part in my life. All the bigger and smaller friendships I had over this 3 years since I'm in Germany never turned into something deeper. I have no idea why and it doesn't matter since it's already a fact.

And yes. I miss having friends. I miss the time of my life in Warsaw, this last 1,5 years before I moved to Germany. Maybe I unappreciated it back then, maybe it seems so happy and joyful from the distance.
I miss going to places just to meet people, who know me, with whom I've lived my past, who I have feelings towards. I miss feeling comfortable, curious and appreciated at the same time, the lovely mix only friendship gives you.

I'm not sad, although it is pretty sad and new for me. Another life lesson to learn.
Sometimes I just wish somebody would call me and ask me out too.

But I don't give up, I search for new options, try to make new bonds and try to let go on people who obviously are not interested in me as their friend.

Well, their loss.

In the meantime I look after a wonderful, loving relationship, daydream a lot, try to sleep well, read and find healthy balance between doing and not doing things. And I still take pictures.

This is how beautiful is Hamburg in Fall.

5 November 2014


I have not much to say this time. Or rather so much to tell, but it all doesn't fit into words so well. I have bunch of pictures waiting for me to edit, as well as some stories to tell. But the words are not there.

I'm happy. As much as I've been only few times in my life. Fall goes by, my love have moved to Berlin, so we have just weekends together and I'm still more lonely than ever, my health is giving me hell. But this calm, ease and warmth I feel now wouldn't trade for anything.

I enjoy candle light, good food, reading books, learning a new language, beautiful music and movies. I enjoy every sunny day, every bike or bus ride and Fall landscapes.

I enjoy every minute together with him, as well as every hour I'm alone.

I learn not to be lonely. I learn how to make friendships again.

I enjoy learning to live in today, no matter how trivial it seems, no matter how exciting the future is.

I'm living the dream.